Karen with sex toy

Sex Toys
Performer(s): Jack Dolgen — First Appearance: "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Original Television Soundtrack (Season 2)"

Mama's got all the best sex toys!
— Jack Dolgen

Sex Toys is an unused song from the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend episode "Who Needs Josh When You Have a Girl Group?". The song was intended to be sung by the character of Karen who in the episode was selling her adult gadgets to Paula, Rebecca, Valencia and Heather under her persona of "Angelique". It was released as a bonus track on the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Original Television Soundtrack (Season 2). Jack Dolgen, associate music producer, member of the writing staff, and also the writer of the song itself, performed the song on the track.

Song and lyricsEdit

Sex Toys01:50

Sex Toys


Look at my sex toys!
My sex toys!
I've got all the best sex toys!
When you've got these you don't need boys!
'Cause mama's got all the best sex toys!
What you need?
Something to make you point your feet?
Something to make you go 'hee hee'
inside of your panties?
If you like a big thing I got 'em!
Check out the behemoth
with the rock hard scrotum!
If you like the little thing
you know I've got that too
A tiny zapper for the front
a teeny plug for the caboose!
Check out my sex toys, my sex toys!
I've got all the best sex toys!
From the Honda to the Tesla
to the Rolls Royce!
Mama's got all the best sex toys!
What gets you off?
A King Cobra big and long?
Gonna bite you till' you cum
than beg for the venom.
Now if you want a quick fix
for that drip, drip, drip
put this Hemi on eleven
flick that bean right up to heaven!
With my sex toys, my sex toys!
I've got all the best sex toys!
The pink into the secret blue and turquoise!
Mama's got all the best sex toys!
This ones called "The Uzi"
'cause it's an actual Uzi!
It's gun that you can slide
right into your coo-oo-zie!
Just because you like it
doesn't make you a floozy!
Look at me, I'm getting all dizzy see!
So excited I can't see,
now if you wanna feel like me,
grab your pocket poo-oo-kie
buy a ceramic coo-oo-kie
that's more than just for your pussy!
Look at my sex toys!
My sex toys!
Everything you need to make that 'uh' noise!
Gonna make you E.E. Cummings
like W.E.B. Du Bois!
Mama's got all the best sex toys!

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs
Season 1 Songs

· "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Theme Song"
· "West Covina (song)"
· "The Sexy Getting Ready Song"
· "I'm So Good At Yoga"
· "Feelin' Kinda Naughty"
· "Face Your Fears"
· "I Have Friends"
· "A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes"
· "Settle For Me"

· "Sex with a Stranger"
· "I Love My Daughter"
· "I'm a Good Person"
· "I Give Good Parent"
· "What'll It Be"
· "Sexy French Depression"
· "His Status is...Preferred"
· "Where's the Bathroom?"
· "California Christmastime"
· "Women Gotta Stick Together"
· "Dear Joshua Felix Chan"

· "Having a Few People Over"
· "Put Yourself First"
· "Textmergency"
· "Where Is The Rock?"
· "You Stupid Bitch"
· "Group Hang"
· "Romantic Moments"
· "Cold Showers"
· "JAP Battle"
· "Flooded with Justice
· "Gettin' Bi"
· "I'm The Villain In My Own Story"

· "Dream Ghost"
· "I Could If I Wanted To"
· "Clean Up on Aisle 4"
· "Heavy Boobs"
· "I Gave You a UTI"
· "Angry Mad"
· "Oh My God I Think I Like You"
· "After Everything I've Done For You (That You Didn't Ask For)"
· "One Indescribable Instant"

Season 2 Songs

· "Just a Girl in Love"
· "Love Kernels"
· "We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now"
· "Maybe This Dream"
· "Greg's Drinking Song"
· "Ping Pong Girl"
· "The Math of Love Triangles"
· "It Was a S*** Show"

· "We Tapped That Ass"
· "Makey Makeover"
· "Thought Bubbles"
· "Triceratops Ballet"
· "Friendtopia"
· "Stuck in the Bathroom"
· "Research Me Obsessively"
· "You Go First"
· "So Maternal"

· "Duh!"
· "Who's The New Guy?"
· "George's Turn"
· "We'll Never Have Problems Again"
· "Remember That We Suffered"
· "Santa Ana Winds"
· "Let's Have Intercourse"

· "You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)"
· "Man Nap"
· "(Tell Me I'm Okay) Patrick"
· "Period Sex"
· "What a Rush to Be a Bride"

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Reprises

· "West Covina (I)"
· "West Covina (II)"
· "Settle For Me (I)"
· "Settle For Me (II)"

· "I'm a Good Person (silent)"
· "The Sexy Gonna Do It Song"
· "The Trent Is Getting Ready Song"

· "I Have Friends (reprise)"
· "Flooded with Justice (reprise)

· "I Could If I Wanted To (reprise)"
· "Thought Bubbles (reprise)"
· "Rebecca's Reprise"

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Album Bonus tracks

· "Sex Toys"

· "It's Not Difficult To Define Miss Douche"

· "Santa Ana Winds 6 A.M." (Demo)

· "I'm Just A Girl In Love" (featuring Adam Schlesinger)

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