FANDOM


The Miracle of Birth

The Miracle of Birth
Performer(s): Paula Proctor — First Appearance: "Nathaniel Is Irrelevant."
Written by: Adam Schlesinger, Rachel Bloom

Quote
You’ll think ‘What’s it really worth?’ All that for the miracle of birth!
EndQuote
— Paula


"The Miracle of Birth" was a musical performance by Paula Proctor. In this song Paula tells Heather what to expect when having a baby. The song's first appearance was in the Season Three episode "Nathaniel Is Irrelevant."

The song with lyricsEdit

The Miracle Of Birth - feat

The Miracle Of Birth - feat. Donna Lynne Champlin - 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend'

Lyrics:

Of all the mystery and wonder
and beauty on this earth.
Nothing can compare to
the miracle of birth.
Well your cervix has been closed
and plugged with mucus.
But soon that fiscus plug
will be discharged.

It’s called ‘bloody show.’

And explosive diarrhea
means that labors drawing nearer
and those sharp painful contractions
cause your cervix enlarge.

Beautiful!

Then you race your ass
over to the hospital.
Where they’ll strap you in
for the hell ride of your life.

It’s what your body’s made for.

You’ll soon be in so much pain
that you’ll probably exclaim
‘Please just kill me now,
doctor, dula or midwife’.

Tear, tear, tear
goes your vagina!
Never will it be
it’s cute little self again.
But the good news is
If you have a few more kids
the rest will basically
plop right out.

After hours and hours
of utter torture.
You may poop yourself and or
throw up as you bear down.

Cause you’re a goddess!

And though you’ve never
been this tired - Wait!
Here comes the ring of fire,
that’s your vagina bursting
into flames as the head
starts to crown.

Burn, burn, burn
goes your vagina!
And you’ll curse and scream
until you hear a cry!

It’s your baby!

And oops there it went-a,
that was the placenta,
which you must expel
or you will surely die!
 
When it’s all over they place
the baby on your breast.
You may be happy for a moment
but then for months you’ll be depressed.
Cuz you’ve wrecked your life and body.
You’ll think ‘What’s it really worth?’
All that for the miracle of birth!



Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs
Season 1 Songs

🎈 "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Theme"
🎈 "West Covina (song)"
🎈 "The Sexy Getting Ready Song"
🎈 "I'm So Good At Yoga"
🎈 "Feelin' Kinda Naughty"
🎈 "Face Your Fears"
🎈 "I Have Friends"
🎈 "A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes"
🎈 "Settle For Me"
🎈 "Sex with a Stranger"

🎈 "I Love My Daughter"
🎈 "I'm a Good Person"
🎈 "I Give Good Parent"
🎈 "What'll It Be"
🎈 "Sexy French Depression"
🎈 "His Status is...Preferred"
🎈 "Where's the Bathroom?"
🎈 "California Christmastime"
🎈 "Women Gotta Stick Together"
🎈 "Dear Joshua Felix Chan"
🎈 "Having a Few People Over"

🎈 "Put Yourself First"
🎈 "Textmergency"
🎈 "Where Is The Rock?"
🎈 "You Stupid Bitch"
🎈 "Group Hang"
🎈 "Romantic Moments"
🎈 "Cold Showers"
🎈 "JAP Battle"
🎈 "Flooded with Justice
🎈 "Gettin' Bi"
🎈 "I'm The Villain In My Own Story"

🎈 "Dream Ghost"
🎈 "I Could If I Wanted To"
🎈 "Clean Up on Aisle 4"
🎈 "Heavy Boobs"
🎈 "I Gave You a UTI"
🎈 "Angry Mad"
🎈 "Oh My God I Think I Like You"
🎈 "After Everything I've Done For You (That You Didn't Ask For)"
🎈 "One Indescribable Instant"

Season 2 Songs

🎈 "Just a Girl in Love"
🎈 "Love Kernels"
🎈 "We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now"
🎈 "Maybe This Dream"
🎈 "Greg's Drinking Song"
🎈 "Ping Pong Girl"
🎈 "The Math of Love Triangles"

🎈 "It Was a S*** Show"
🎈 "We Tapped That Ass"
🎈 "Makey Makeover"
🎈 "Thought Bubbles"
🎈 "Triceratops Ballet"
🎈 "Friendtopia"
🎈 "Stuck in the Bathroom"
🎈 "Research Me Obsessively"

🎈 "You Go First"
🎈 "So Maternal"
🎈 "Duh!"
🎈 "Who's The New Guy?"
🎈 "George's Turn"
🎈 "We'll Never Have Problems Again"
🎈 "Remember That We Suffered"

🎈 "Santa Ana Winds"
🎈 "Let's Have Intercourse"
🎈 "You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)"
🎈 "Man Nap"
🎈 "(Tell Me I'm Okay) Patrick"
🎈 "Period Sex"
🎈 "What a Rush to Be a Bride"

Season 3 Songs

🎈 "Where's Rebecca Bunch?"
🎈 "Let's Generalize About Men"
🎈 "You Do/You Don’t Want To Be Crazy"
🎈I've Got My Head In The Clouds
🎈Strip Away My Conscience
🎈 "The Buzzing From The Bathroom"

🎈 "The Moment Is Me"
🎈I Go To The Zoo
🎈 "Scary Scary Sexy Lady"
🎈 "The End of The Movie"
🎈 "Maybe She's Not Such A Heinous Bitch After All"
🎈 "I Feel Like This Isn't About Me"
🎈A Diagnosis

🎈This Is My Movement
🎈The Very First Penis I Saw
🎈My Friend's Dad
🎈My Sperm Is Healthy
🎈George's Coffee Song
🎈Get Your Ass Out Of My House
🎈Without Love You Can Save the World

🎈Fit Hot Guys Have Problems Too
🎈Horny Angry Tango
🎈This Session Is Going to Be Different
🎈 "Buttload Of Cats"
🎈Back In Action
🎈The Miracle of Birth
🎈Nothing is Ever Anyone's Fault

Season 4 Songs

🎈 "Season 4 Theme Song"
🎈 Everyone's Got a Story
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA

🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA

🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA

🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA
🎈 TBA

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Reprises

🎈 "West Covina (I)"
🎈 "West Covina (II)"
🎈 "Settle For Me (I)"
🎈 "Settle For Me (II)"
🎈 "I'm a Good Person (silent)"
🎈 "The Sexy Gonna Do It Song"

🎈 "The Trent Is Getting Ready Song"
🎈 "I Have Friends (reprise)"
🎈 "Flooded with Justice (reprise)
🎈 "I Could If I Wanted To (reprise)"
🎈 "Thought Bubbles (reprise)"

🎈 "The Math of Love Triangles (reprise)"
🎈 "Rebecca's Reprise"
🎈"After Everything You Made Me Do (That You Didn’t Ask For)"
🎈"He's The New Guy"
🎈"Face Your Fears (reprise)"
🎈"I'm Just A Boy In Love"

🎈 TBA

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Album Bonus tracks

🎈 "Sex Toys"

🎈 "It's Not Difficult To Define Miss Douche"

🎈 "Santa Ana Winds 6 A.M." (Demo)

🎈 "I'm Just A Girl In Love" (featuring Adam Schlesinger)

🎈 "Settle For Her"

CharactersEpisodesLocationsCast